today is my sulking day and i'm not enjoying it at all. i wish i could get out of this.

I'm so fucking frustrated with this whole AMC thing. I tried to call lgbt groups today, but I had no luck with anybody answering (of course).
This situation makes me wish I did something wrong instead of it being about me being gay. I just want this all to be over with and it's making me want to give up because it keeps putting me down more and more everyday that a company I worked for two and a half years is treating me like this when I was one of the longest employees there that wasn't management.
It shows that no matter how long you work for a company, you will still get treated like shit when one person comes in to the mix and hates you more than anything and is a goddamn manager.
The thing that makes me the most mad is that they got rid of Randy and so nobody on the management team had my back. I'm 100% sure that if Randy was still at our location, I'd still be rotting there.

i really lust over ftm's.

everything has lost it's spark...for now.

i hate my period, i hate having no money, i hate having a smoking habit, i hate that my mom is back.
but i do love luna (sometimes, atm) and austin~

i like it when things in your life fail, because you deserve it more than anything.
stop acting like your life is so good, but text me or im me about how things suck so much.

i hate it when people put up ridiculous fronts, and you know exactly who you are.

i love being ignored.
no, really, it's my favorite thing, i guess.

i had a breakdown today at work because of the no sleep situation and how i got a fucking nosebleed at work, which luckily started back up when i got home.
i'm just happy that i have jeremy there. he never speaks, just listens and i know for a fact he doesn't judge me whatsoever.
when i was crying i told him i needed jacob and that's the first time i've ever said that outloud.
i need to fix my life, fast.

my goals for the summer:
find a new job
move out
get on t (like this will actually happen)
have to get a new bookshelf because i have too many books for the one i currently have
get all the csi seasons on dvd
see jack's mannequin again
have a fantastic one year with austin
get my name change
update my computer
have a road trip
get over my fear of driving
get on correct medication
spill my heart out completely to anybody
stop ignoring my friends
come out to everybody i know about being trans
stop blaming myself for everything that has happened to me
tell a few people in my life to fuck off
get all of the fucking fish in animal crossing wii and wild world >O
learn what i'm going to major in
quit smoking
stay off drugs
not cut
get a new pair of my plaid slipons
see brand new, death cab, nightmare of you and go to at least one ska show
stop thinking about kelly's death completely (pathetic, i know. it's the reason i can't drive)
reach out to rachel
go to rocky horror
be proud of a painting i paint
get a xbox 360
take the dogs to a dog park
let amber in
don't push jacob away and have a breakthrough with him so our friendship can be stronger
keep being there for jacob, no matter what
spend as many days as i can with austin and make sure he knows i love him more than anything in this world every single day


i better get started on this soon.

i am so tired.

okay, so jm was a lot more amazing than i made it seem like five seconds ago and i don't feel like editing lmfao.
he played:
crashing, caves, i'm ready, dark blue, the resolution, we were made (you can breathe), spinning, swim, bloodshot, hammers and strings, the mix tape, into the airwaves, la la lie, some cover and then he played 21 and invincible from soco :]
the first two acts were lame, idr who they really were lmfao.


this is definitely my favorite picture that i took of him, granted it being on my phone :[
love my shirt, so happy i went, so tired, finally happy that for an hour i was able to listen to him play his piano and be gorgeous as fuck.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i have a yeast infection
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck adksflakdsmfadsklm i hate mylife.

but jack's mannequin WAS AMAZING.

i've been so sick for almost a week, and it just won't go away. i'm so stressed and i wish this would go away. i can't help but hate my life anymore than i already do because i don't have anymore friends, they all decide to choose stupid decisions over me, i don't do anything i love anymore; i want to paint again, read about forensics and serial killers all day and not even realize that i spent all day learning something new about either subject, fuck it would even be nice to just relax with luna. my life is so fucked up, i have nobody to trust at all and i am such a hermit. the people i think i can trust, i just feel like they think i'm pathetic and crazy.
why hasn't this goddamn therapist call me back yet...

right now i wish i could live my life fully as ian, it's driving me nuts that i can't.

fml, seriously.

i'm hoping this baby shower on the 20th is alcohol-free and brandon-free, because i really do not need the weeping of somebody drunk on one shoulder and the weeping of somebody drunk and boy crazy on the other.
my hermit ways are telling me to stay in that night, but my extroverted self is telling me to get out of the house and out of amc, go out and drink and be happy that a friend is having a baby.
i really should stop this and go out to crush with franken this monday.
we'll see...

i finally feel rested and ready go back to work.
except i only work tomorrow and i'm staying after, then i have the weekend off, lmfao.
life is pretty boring because all i do is work all the damn time and see austin once in a while.
time to go back to bed and get rid of this ridiculous morning sickness and cough. i swear i'm not pregnant, it's impossible.

me and jacob are okay now. we sent some really fucked up shit to eachother, but just mended everything and we both ended up crying.
i can't wait to finally be able to have a friend back that lives in florida.

austin is cool

today should be a good day; about to leave to austin's, i go to work at 730 and i'm actually feeling okay today.
maybe today will be the day jacob gets his head out of his ass, but i don't know
one month and eight days until jack's mannequin!